


city folk just don't get it

by beani



Series: farmers only dot com [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Dating, Farmer Keith (Voltron), FarmersOnly, Flirting, Fluff, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, M/M, Memes, Online Dating, POV Lance (Voltron), Romantic Comedy, Stereotypes, Texting, im just trying to write wholesome content, thats a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-07 12:07:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15907971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beani/pseuds/beani
Summary: He stared at the profile. The large EMAIL HIM button called out to Lance. And he, never known to back down when there was something he wanted at stake, clicked it.Or, the FarmersOnly.com au where Lance is desperate and Keith is (yeehaw) single.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> welp fellas. here it is. i wrote this because some lovely voltron fans in my class suggested it. ignore the fact that this is my first post on ao3. i have other fics in the work, but i want to develop those ideas more before i just go posting everything i write.

“I hate you guys.” Lance put his face in his hands as he watched Pidge photoshop a large straw hat onto one of his many shirtless Instagram pictures. She, the computer genius, the tech-savvy gremlin, the insomniac hacker/coder, could make _any_ photoshopped image look absolutely fantastic. And yet, she was purposefully making the image look _horrendous_. “I can’t believe I’m letting you do this to my beautiful face.”

“I would have done it with or without your permission,” Pidge sassed, saving the file as a .png so she could upload it to his new FarmersOnly.com account.

Thirty minutes prior, Lance had been sulking over his failed online dating experiences.

“Motherf…ricker,” Lance, conscious of his mother’s presence in the other room, said. Hunk and Pidge sat in his living room with him.

Pidge didn’t look up from her laptop. “What? Another creep try to message you?”

Lance looked down at his phone screen. “Yeah,” he replied, cringing at the message he was faced with. “I don’t get it. He looked kind of cute, too. But _nooo_ , dude had to ask for _nudes_.”

Lance felt discouraged by the many failed Tinder matches he had found within the last month. It seemed hopeless—online dating never worked out well for him, and neither did the real life alternative. He was either faced with weirdos, unresponsive matches, or first dates that just didn't... _work_.

"What could be the problem?" Lance thought aloud, shutting off his phone. "I've tried Tinder, Grindr, eHarmony, OkCupid, ChristianMingle—"

"You tried ChristianMingle?" Pidge interrupted.

Hunk laughed suddenly. "Dude, why ChristianMingle? Isn't that, like, counterintuitive?" He and Pidge exchanged a look, one that Lance was quite familiar with. It was their _Lance-is-being-ridiculous-again_ look.

"I'm desperate!" Lance replied, embarrassed.

"If you're really desperate, you would have gone onto FarmersOnly already," Pidge remarked, her glasses gleaming behind the light of her computer screen. Lance rolled his eyes at her idea.

"There's no way someone from FarmersOnly lives in this part of California." It was silly to even consider.

"Well, you'll never know unless you try, Lance." Hunk, always the optimist, smiled as he said it.

"I'm not even a farmer!"

But now they—despite Lance not even being a farmer—were setting up his FarmersOnly account. "I can't believe we're actually doing this," Lance said for about the sixth time within the span of five minutes. He was glad his mother had left the house to go to the grocery store so that she didn't have to hear her desperate 22-year-old son setting up a dating account on FarmersOnly. "This isn't going to work."

"C'mon, Lance," Hunk nudged him. "Even if it doesn't work, it's still fun to do."

Lance, unable to kill Hunk's vibe, silently agreed. It _was_ kind of fun to see Pidge photoshopping a picture of him. It _was_ definitely fun joking around with his friends. And it _was_ fun to watch as Pidge wrote out his bio for— _wait a second_.

"Whoa, whoa, what are you writing?"

Lance stared at the screen in horror at the headliner Pidge was writing out.

_Any real cowboys/girls looking for a mount? ;)_

"Jesus Christ, Pidge! Can you not be so... I don't know, _vulgar_?"

Pidge turned her head, fingers pausing on her keyboard. She stared back at Lance for a good few seconds before answering. "Should I remind you that this is a dating site for farmers, Lance? Unless... you're looking to date a farmer."

Lance considered it. "...I'm open to it. But I doubt anyone on this site is actually going to be someone I end up dating. So, whatever, go ham on it. I'm gonna get something to drink."

* * *

 

A few milkshakes later, and Lance's new FarmersOnly.com account was completed. His bio entailed his age, 22; height, 5’8; favorite color, blue; sexuality, bi; sign, Leo; and location, Pasadena, CA. Pidge had made it clear that he was seeking both men and women with the things he had written in his bio:

**About coolfarmerboi69:  
** _just yer average cowboy lookin for some lovin!! i want me some good boys n gals with reeeaall farmer values ;)_

**coolfarmerboi69 is looking for:  
** _im very bi so anyone’ll do. (brownie points if ya have a horse)_

"Lance, oh shit, you already have a few compatible matches!" Pidge laughed, and Lance had to make sure his ears were working right. He set his milkshake down on the coffee table while Hunk, who had lost interest in setting up the account, continued sipping down the one Lance had made for him.

"No waaaay," he drawled in an awful southern accent, scooting off of the couch to sit beside Pidge on the floor in the area between the couch and the coffee table. Lance squinted at the computer screen, its brightness so low, Lance wondered how in the world Pidge actually saw anything on there. Apparently, Pidge noticed how long it took him to focus his eyes on the screen so she quickly turned the brightness up on the laptop. Lance almost spat out his drink at what he saw.

Three matches already, two of which were female, and the last, a male. Unfortunately, both women were much older than Lance preferred—one being nearly 34 and the other, 29. Lance nearly smacked himself in the face. It wasn’t like he was expecting to _actually_ find someone he was _compatible_ with on this website. The chances of that were below 10%, probably lower. Maybe closer to .001%.

And yet, when Pidge clicked the last profile of the last automated match generated from the site, Lance couldn’t keep his eyes off of the profile picture. The male in question was _gorgeous_ , and Lance found himself wondering what this beautiful boy was doing on such a weird, obscure, _farmer_ website. _Don’t judge a book by its cover,_ he thought to himself, trying to hide the fact that he was _very_ interested in **kkogane_** from Pidge. Unfortunately for him, the computer-whizz noticed his trance-like state after looking at the cute boy on the screen. She immediately hailed Hunk away from his phone and started saying _something_ , but Lance didn’t hear it. He was too busy reading **kkogane_’s**  profile.

**About kkogane_:**  
_[no information given]_

**kkogane_ is looking for:**  
_long-term relationship_

**Age:** 24  
**Height:** 5’7½  
**Favorite Color:** Red  
**Sexuality:** Gay  
**Sign:** Scorpio  
**Location:** LA, CA

He stared at the profile. The large _EMAIL HIM_ button called out to Lance. And he, never known to back down when there was something he _wanted_ at stake, clicked it.

Pidge and Hunk may have made fun of him the rest of the night for it, but Lance was _glad_ he had sent an email to **kkogane_**. In fact, he just about jumped out of his seat every time his phone went off during the poorly-written movie they were watching. This was one of the first times he’d found someone who made his heart go _doki-doki_ just by looking at them. Lance even went as far as to change his profile picture to something not badly-photoshopped by Pidge because he didn’t want this farmer boy to think he was making fun of his culture, or something. (Unfortunately, he couldn’t change his username, so he was stuck with coolfarmerboi69.) Still, he sent an email:

**Hello!**  
_Hi kkogane_,_  
_I don’t know if you still use your farmersonly account, but I just recently made one and got matched with you by the website! I am not aware if you are still looking for a long-term relationship, but I just wanted to email you in case you were interested. I’d like to get to know you better, if that’s okay with you!_  
_Best regards,_  
_Lance_

Lance hoped it didn’t sound too _excited_ with all those exclamation marks, but it was the only way Lance really knew how to email someone without sounding like an emotionless dickwad.

Lance went back to his Safari browser on his phone and found the tab with FarmersOnly.com. It was still on **kkogane_** ’s profile, so Lance took the opportunity to stare at his picture, analyze it a bit more. He had long black hair, dark eyes, and pale skin. He was wearing a _flannel_ in his picture, for Christ’s sake. How does someone get more cowboy than that?

Lance just about _died_ inside (out of joy) when he got the Gmail notification for Re: Hello! while browsing his Instagram feed. He was almost _too nervous_ to click on the notif. _What if he’s in a relationship already?_  his inner pessimist questioned. _What if I’m being catfished?_

**Re: Hello!**  
_hi lance,  
im keith. still looking for a relationship_

The reply was so _short,_ and yet, Lance’s heart quickened in pace at the acknowledgement to his message. Better yet, the pretty boy—Keith, as he now knew his name to be—was still _single_.

Lance quickly typed out a response to this mysterious _Keith_.

**Re: Re: Hello!**  
_Hi Keith!  
Looks like we’re in the same boat, then. How has your week been?_

The response came almost immediately after he sent the email.

**Re: Re: Re: Hello!  
** _are you a farmer_

Lance rose a brow, unsure if Keith had just completely ignored his email, or if he had sent that after his first email without reading Lance’s reply. Maybe they had sent the emails at the same time. As he thought this, another email came in, confirming his second theory.

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Hello!**  
_busy. i work most days, but im typically off friday-sunday._

Lance smiled.

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hello!**  
_Would you perhaps be interested in going out on one of your days off?_

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hello!**  
_are you a farmer_

He stared down at the four words, unsure if his reply should be one of honesty or one of deceit. _He's really persistent, huh?_  Lance thought to himself. He didn't know which would be better, saying yes, and possibly offending Keith because it would  _certainly_ come back later to bite him in the ass, or saying no, and possibly turning Keith off because  _he was no country boy._  Was it worth the risk of Keith being upset? What if Keith was in the same situation he was in? Just a desperate guy, trying to find a boyfriend, and his last resort was FarmersOnly.com? 

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hello!**  
_I am._

Lord have mercy on his soul.

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hello!**  
_in pasadena?_

“Shit,” Lance swore underneath his breath, loud enough, apparently, for Hunk to glance over at him and ask if everything was okay. He nodded, excusing himself to the bathroom. He didn’t want to be seen panicking over what to say to Keith.

Fortunately for him, he didn’t have to reply, because Keith sent another email within the time Lance was freaking out in the bathroom.

**the names of these emails are getting too long**  
_i asked because you dont look like a farmer. no offense._  
_i've lived in tx for most of my life until recently, so i know what country boys typically look like. not to mention, you_ type _like a city boy. you look like a west coaster, kind of like a surfer? which isnt exactly a bad thing, cause i think youre attractive._  
_but i can tell you right now that this wont work if youre gonna lie to my face_  
_so are you a farmer or not_

Lance sat down on the counter as he typed in defeat.

**They are**  
_Ok, I admit it. I’m not a farmer. My family actually comes from Cuba, but I was born in SoCal, so that’s the truth. I just figured that since you’re on FarmersOnly.com, you’d want to date a country boy. And I wanted to be that person, cause I didn’t want to let my only chance at you to slip by just because I don’t know how to milk a cow or plow a field.  
I’m sorry I lied. Please forgive me? Uwu_

Maybe he had just royally fucked that up. Maybe not. Lance hoped for the latter, but only time would tell. And based by Keith’s previous response times, that moment would be soon. Lance might have been more worried about the email that came through his phone if the email title didn’t make him laugh. A _key smash_? _Really?_

**asflgjt**  
_it’s alright. tbh im not a farmer either so you aren’t the only one livin a double life_  
_so, about that date? im down for friday night if you are_  
_also did you just uwu me_

Cue the huge sigh of relief on Lance's end.

**Oeirhjiokjs**  
_Normally I’d point out that you’re being hypocritical by calling me out on my bullshit while doing the_ same _thing, but I’m more interested in this date. Friday night works for me. I can drive out to LA, or you can come down to Pasadena, if you want.  
Uwu UwU oWo OwO owo yes I did_

**Re: Oeirhjiokjs**  
_let’s figure this out over text, im sick of emailing._

Lance’s smile widened as he thumbed out a reply.

**Re: Re: Oeirhjiokjs**  
_that works with me ;)_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance discovered that he liked the excitement rushing through his veins, even if it was prohibiting him from finding a decent outfit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey fellas. thank you for all of the amazing feedback from the last chapter. it warmed my heart to see people enjoying this cracky fic. sorry for the delay in getting this chapter out. some unexpected stuff happened around the weekend, and then it was my birthday a few days ago uwu
> 
> thank you for the patience and please enjoy this next installment.
> 
> if you see any mistakes lmk because i didnt have anyone beta read it for me uwu

It was only _Tuesday_ , Lance came to realize as he looked at his phone. Half-passed noon on _Tuesday_. He had just woken up, too. It was rare for Lance to wake up any time after 10am, mostly because his body was used to being up early and going to bed at a decent time.

His habit of falling asleep early was broken last night, as he had stayed up until about 3-in-the-morning. It wasn't _his_ fault his new-found-crush/date, _Keith_ , kept responding to his messages. In fact, Lance was almost entirely sure he had passed out from exhaustion before Keith stopped replying. He unlocked his phone, and, _sure enough_ , Keith had sent five messages after Lance’s last text.

 **From: Keith <3**  
_yes, ive milked cows  
_ _and goats, as a matter of fact_

The third message was an image, a picture of Keith's left hand. His palms were pale, callused. Lance found himself wanting to hold them, run his fingers along the creases in between Keith's fingers. He wanted to kiss his knuckles, and, _fuck_ , Lance knew he was already neck-deep in this bizarre crush. It had only been half a day, and most of one night that they had begun talking. But they had talked about so much, Lance felt like he'd known Keith for years with how well they hit it off.

The next two messages were sent ten minutes after the picture of his hand.

 **From: Keith <3**  
_did you fall asleep?  
_ _goodnight lance, sleep well._

Lance smiled at the last message. He _had_ slept well. _Very_ well, actually, because he  _actually_ found someone through a shitty online _farmer_ dating site, for God's sake, and Keith was proving to be the best match he had ever gotten, even if he was from FarmersOnly.com.

Come to think of it, Lance was curious what had brought Keith to join such a dating site. Due to of their long conversation last night, he had obtained some new information about Keith.

  1. Keith lived in a high-rise apartment building in LA near where Lance attended university.
  2. Keith used to live in Texas with his dad on a plantation and has done actual farm work.
  3. He was familiar with memes. (Which was double the points for Lance.)
  4. He uses unfamiliar phrases in his texts, sometimes. (Fixing to? _Varmint?_ He’d have to google these later.)



There was probably more to be gathered from their conversation, but considering how he had just woken up, that was all he could think of off the top of his head. None of it contained the reason why he would join FarmersOnly, though Lance supposed maybe Keith joined because he just wanted to find another farmer boy when he lived in Texas.

Lance got out of bed as he typed the first thought that had come to mind when he saw Keith's hand.

 **To: Keith <3  
** _Those are cow milkin hands_

Sent. Yes, the _epitome_ of flirting. Lance knew he was suave as hell. Soon, Lance learned another fact about Keith: he apparently never parted from his phone because the guy already responded.

 **From: Keith <3  
** _lmao good afternoon to you too_

Lance sent a cowboy smiling emoji with the text, _Afternoon,_ _Keithy_ , beside it. He opened the door to his room and walked out into the empty hallway, the soft carpet brushing against his feet with every step. The house was mostly quiet, save for the sound of his mother's voice coming from downstairs occasionally.

It was just him and his mom living in their family home now. His siblings had moved out already, but Lance, having been forced to live on campus for this first two years of school, came home for the summer. For the upcoming junior year, however, he was looking for an apartment and a roommate willing to put up with him. Unfortunately, just like his love life (until just yesterday when he found Keith on the _blessed_ dating site _FarmersOnly.com_ ), his search for an apartment in LA was not very successful. He had yet to put an ad up on Craigslist saying he was looking for a place to stay in LA, one that wasn’t expensive, and seeing as how Lance’s luck with weird, desperate, last-ditch efforts has been good so far (no offense to Keith), he figured that an ad on Craigslist could potentially work.

 _Potentially_.

Lance grabbed a shower in the meantime, since his face felt about as greasy as a slice of pizza and his hair was a mess. He’d been slacking on his skincare routine recently, if he was being honest. Last night he hadn’t done it because of, well, _Keith_ , and the night before he had been out with Hunk catching up since the larger man had finally taken a day off from work.

That was another thing to worry about. Work. A job. Lance didn’t have one of those, or at least _not anymore_. The café he used to be a server at closed because Allura, the owner, moved back to England where her parents were, and after she left, the whole atmosphere was off because the new owners were changing everything. Come to think of it, he could probably get a job at Hunk’s bakery, but he didn’t want to seem like he was just using his friend for a job. Lance supposed it wouldn’t hurt to ask. Knowing Hunk, he’d be a sweetheart and hire him if he even _mentioned_ the fact that he didn’t have a job.

When Lance finished washing his body and hair, he dried off and wrapped a towel around his waist. He opened the door of the bathroom and shivered when the cold air made contact with his hot skin. Lance hurried back into his room where he could get dressed and feel warm again, because stepping out of the hot, steamy bathroom was the _worst_ part about showering, in his honest opinion.

After he got dressed, Lance took a few minutes to find his phone again, because he completely forgot where he put it. (He found it on his bed; imagine that.) Keith had texted again.

 **From: Keith <3**  
_if i dont get back to you its cause work got busy  
__honestly doubt that tho_

 **To: Keith <3**  
_No worries_  
_I’m not doing anything today so if you get bored I’ll be here_  
_What do you do for work?_

He was curious. Plus, Lance needed a job. Maybe Keith did something he could piggy-back off of, possibly get an idea of what kind of job to look for.

 **From: Keith <3**  
_oh lol i co-own a nursery_  
_we grow all sorts of plants, flowers  
_ _that vegetation, decorative type of shit_

 **To: Keith <3  
** _You co-own it??_

 **From: Keith <3  
** _yes_

Good Lord, Lance had to remember that Keith was usually serious and only ever cracked a joke when Lance made a smart-ass comment.

 **To: Keith <3  
** _Sounds fun._

 **From: Keith <3  
** _it aint_

It was at moments like this when Lance remembered that his crush was from the southern states— _Texas_ , to be more specific. He said things like ' _ain’t'_ casually in texts, and Lance was curious to know if Keith talked like that in person, if he had an accent or a southern drawl. He kept picturing that one song— _Your Man_ , by Josh Turner.

_Baby lock them doors and turn the lights down looooooooooow._

God, what if Keith actually unironically liked that kind of music? Would Lance still be infatuated with the country boy? Of course, that was a dumb question. But that didn’t mean Lance wouldn’t try to change his taste in music if he liked songs like _Your Man_.

Too scared to see the answer now, Lance decided to stay on topic with the text conversation as he made his way out of his room and downstairs to greet his mother.

 **To: Keith <3**  
_Why not?  
_ _Shouldn’t you actually like taking care of plants if you’re going to co-own a place full of them?_

 **From: Keith <3**  
_probably_  
_its an ok job, dont get me wrong_  
_thing is, i just dont care much for it  
_ _its boring, but im doing it for my old man so im kinda stuck here_

 **To: Keith <3**  
_Oh  
_ _Rip, dude_

 **From: Keith <3**  
_yeah, rip  
_ _brb_

 **To: Keith <3  
** _Ok_

* * *

 

On Wednesday, Keith’s replies were more sporadic, and Lance was spending most of his day looking for apartments in LA. He couldn’t find one within his budget, though, so off to Craigslist he went. He figured that before he posted any kind of ad looking for a place to stay, he could browse the ads already posted. Many of them were either extremely bizarre, jokes, or just gave Lance a really _weird_ vibe.

A few that were on the weird-vibe list read:

 **Roommate Wanted  
** I am a 27-year-old, straight, Caucasian male looking for a FEMALE roommate. If you can’t pay rent you can pay in other ways.

 **Looking for apartment in LA area – ???  
** pk so my ASSHOLE roomate is kicking me out caus he doednt want me smoking in OUR apartment??? i mean shure,?whatver. I am SEARCHING for a new APARTMENT AND ROOMATE by the end of the month so any offers would be appreceated. Pls be ok with some late pay of rents, my job is inconsistant, and your going to have to also be ok with smoking .

 **any1 want a br1ck  
** come to 329 West St apartment 12

After seeing the creep-infested page, Lance didn’t feel comfortable on the site anymore so he closed the tab. Who knew how many of them were murderers or did something illegal for a living, so why take a chance?

A morbid thought passed through his mind.

 _What if Keith was a murderer, and he was luring him in by acting like a Texan who owned a nursery job to_ seem _innocent when in fact he was actually just going to end up taking him to his murder shack??_

It would be the ultimate catfish, really.

Lance would just have to hope his 1-in-10-million chance of meeting Keith on FarmersOnly.com was actually just that—pure luck.

* * *

 

Friday came sooner than Lance expected it to, and he was feeling anxious over his date with Keith that evening. He still had three-ish hours before he had to leave and meet Keith in LA for an early dinner, and then a trip to LACMA, a museum in downtown near where they would be eating. He was anxious in a good way. Lance hadn’t felt his nerves in his stomach get so riled up in the longest time. His past first dates didn’t make him feel anything like that.

Lance discovered that he liked the excitement rushing through his veins, even if it was prohibiting him from finding a decent outfit.

The problem with Lance was he never knew what to wear for different occasions. Yes, he had a sense of style and fashion. He was good at picking out what looked good together and what didn’t, and he was _that hoe_ who would tell you if you looked like a fucking strawberry because of your color choices. At times like this, however, Lance wished he could just throw _anything_ on and feel comfortable in it, like he wasn’t _over_ dressed or _under_ dressed. He wanted to know how Keith was going to be dressed so that he could match him, but also didn’t want to seem like he was putting too much thought into it.

So, no text was sent to Keith.

He knew from his past dates that being comfortable was more important than looking absolutely stunning. Lance had been on dates where his partner would be fidgeting with their clothes and looking very displeased because of what they chose to wear. That type of stuff made enjoying a date difficult, and his goal for tonight happened to be to enjoy his time with Keith.

Lance _finally_ settled on an outfit he knew looked good on him: a casual pair of blue-ish-gray jeans, a teal long-sleeve sweater, and his trusty black Converse. Time had really flown by, though, because when he checked his phone again for the time, he nearly chocked on air. Lance had to leave in ten minutes. Who knew picking out an outfit would take _three_ _hours_ of his time?? (Subconsciously, Lance knew damn well enough that he was going to spend at _least_ that much time trying to look nice for Keith. He couldn’t help it, though. Who _wouldn’t_ want to look nice for Keith?)

His mom, bless her kind soul, kissed him goodbye, told him to be safe and smart as he was leaving through the front door. His heart was beating fast when he got into his car and took off in the direction of the restaurant they were to meet at for the very first time.

Although it was very illegal to do, Lance picked up his phone to send a quick text to Keith when he was stopped at a red light. He knew his mom would _kill_ him if she saw that he was texting and driving, seeing as she _literally_ just said to be safe and _smart_. So instead of actually texting (the guilt from thinking of his mom got to him), Lance held down the home button and told Siri to send a message to Keith.

“What would you like to say to Keith less-than-three?” Siri said, and the little sound effect played, showing that his phone was listening for what he was going to say next.

“I’ll be there in twenty-ish minutes.”

There was a pause as Siri thought about what he said and put it into words.

“Your message to Keith less-than-three says, I will be there in tweeness minutes. Ready to send it?”

“God, no,” he blurted.

“Okay. I won’t send it.”

Dammit, now he had to do it _again_.

“Hey Siri. Send a message to Keith.”

“What would you like to say?”

 “I will be there in about twenty minutes.”

 “Your message to Keith less-than-three says, I will be there in about twenty minutes. Ready to send it?”

“Yes.”

What a nightmare technology was. There had been times when Lance _clearly_ said words like “freaking” or “fricking” when using Siri to text his mother. You can imagine what it was autocorrected to, and what kind of scolding Lance got from his mom.

The drive there was quiet, and as he got closer, Lance got a bit more nervous. He liked to think the butterflies were from the excitement of meeting someone new who he actually connected with, but if he was completely honest with himself, most of those butterflies were from the constant worry of _what if he doesn’t like me when he meets me?_

Or, _what if he’s actually catfishing me or he’s a murderer like those Craigslist people?_

There wasn’t much he could do to cancel, and it wasn’t like Lance wanted to, despite his anxiety. He parked his car and reached for his phone.

 **To: Keith <3  
** _I’m here_

 **From: Keith <3  
** _come on over, im standing near the front doors_

Lance did as he said, getting out of his car and walking toward the front doors. He spotted Keith from a few yards away. It was then that he realized that his FarmersOnly.com profile must have been out-of-date, or something, because Keith definitely wasn’t 5’7½. Keith was maybe an inch or so taller than Lance, but he really couldn’t care at this point. Lance approached, staring at Keith without shame. His pale skin was illuminated by the light of the lowering sun, and his dark clothing matched his eyes—Good God, his _eyes._ They were breathtaking in person. Lance almost wanted to scoff at himself. As if they _weren’t_ in pictures. He was dressed casually too, thankfully: black shirt, black pants, brown belt, and a red flannel to top it off.

Keith spotted him, and the edges of his lips curved upward into a smile that Lance could only describe as warm and definitely contagious because soon he was smiling with him.

When they finally got close together, Lance was at a loss for words. Keith smirked as he opened his gorgeous lips and spoke for the very first time.

“ _Howdy_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are appreciated!! send me your uwus i will take them off your hands


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "C'mon, Keith Kogane. We're gonna make some memories right here, right now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo, so this is the last chapter of the main story. i'm probably going to end up making like little oneshots for it, cause honestly i have so many ideas for this but i dont know how i'd write it into the main story, so i'll just branch off it i guess. lol so feel free to suggest anything you want to see in this au as like little continuation ideas. this wasn't like... beta read, so if there's mistakes, i'm sorry! i didn't have the energy to really proof-read it after writing it, and i just wanted to get it posted.
> 
> also, i'm sorry for the delay! i was busy with a lot of unexpected stuff going down in my life, and balancing school with my hobbies and then other stresses/anxiety is just g r e a t. but here it is, fellas. i hope it lives up to your expectations uwu
> 
> there was some other stuff i was gonna include in this final chapter, but i was unable to fit it in where i wanted to, so i'll definitely be writing more for this au. cause i love it so much, and i wanna delve deeper into it :)

Howdy.

 _Howdy_.

Lance had completely forgotten the fact that Keith was from the South—that he was, _in fact_ , Texan, and had a very prominent  _accent_. He was at a loss for words, caught between wanting to say, _I never knew a southern active was so attractive,_  and,  _YOU'RE REALLY FUCKING PRETTY_.

Lance must've been staring, jaw slack and eyes wide, because Keith's sheepish smile only spread wider into one of fondness. Concern, or at least what Lance  _thought_  to be concern (if he somehow managed to read his expression correctly in his stunned state, that would be a miracle), crossed Keith's face. "Lance? You a'ight?"

 _A'ight_.

Lance's mind became the embodiment of a key smash, if that made sense. 

He couldn't keep him waiting, though, and definitely didn't want to seem like he was some weirdo who had never heard a southern accent in real life before their meeting (though, he may add, Lance had never heard one so _handsome_ ). "Yeah," Lance said, a bit too breathlessly for his liking, but Keith didn't seem to notice—or, if he did, he didn’t comment on it. "Um, it's nice to meet you in person, Keith." He felt like he was going on his very first date all over again. Lance remembered his stuttering, the racing of his heart, the infatuation of the person sitting across from him.

It was like _that_ situation all over again, except this time his date wasn't poking fun at his nerves.

"Likewise. Your pictures don't do you any justice."

It sounded a lot like, "Yer pitch-yurs don't do yuh enay justice", or maybe Lance's mind was just over-exaggerating, as per usual.

Either way, Lance thought his accent was really attractive.

Keith looked surprised for a second, a faint blush rising to his cheeks. It took Lance a moment to realize that he had said his thoughts out loud. "Well, thank you," he said, pushing some of his hair out of his face. "You'd be the first to think so."

Lance decided to roll with it. "There's no way. Your accent is like, really nice to listen to. ASMR-tier." Keith laughed, and Lance now found himself with a new goal: try to hear Keith's wonderful laugh again by cracking jokes whenever possible. "No, honestly! I’d listen to Texan accent ASMR—only if _you_ made it, though.” He was slowly working his way back into his casual self as he became accustomed to the ever-present fact that his date was very attractive, voice and all.

Lance’s flirt earned him an amused smile as Keith spoke. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

They entered the restaurant together, and Lance already felt welcomed by the warm lighting, the pleasant smiles sent their way from staff. Keith told the hostess the name for their reservation, and before Lance could make some kind of comment about Keith’s full name, they were already on their way to their table.

“Kogane, huh?” Lance asked, raising a brow. It was the first time hearing the other’s last name, considering they had only really introduced themselves with their first names. Lance absently wondered what his name would sound like if he had the last name ‘ _Kogane_ ’. He wasn’t thinking of marriage—no, not _yet_ , Lance still had to get to know Keith before he even considered that—but it was just something he did with people’s last names.

Though, Lance Kogane did kind of have a nice ring to it. Or, maybe Keith McClain.

“Yeah, Kogane. It ain’t very Texan, huh?” Keith smiled, and Lance couldn’t help but return it.

 _Ain’t._ God, Lance really liked Keith’s accent, probably on an unhealthy level _already_.

Lance chuckled to hide his new infatuation with his date’s voice. “Guess not. I think I beat you with the whole… Texan last name, thing.”

“Oh yeah? Well, what’s yours then?”

“McClain.”

Keith nodded as he opened his menu, agreeing that Lance’s name was definitely more Texas-sounding than his own name, despite being from Texas. Various amounts of small talk pursued, with Lance leading the way with his flirty jokes, sometimes breaking off into a story he could relate to whatever he happened to be talking about. And Keith listened, full attention on Lance. It was only after they had gotten their drinks that Lance realized that he’d been talking for most of that time.

His face radiated heat, and Lance averted his gaze down. “Sorry,” he excused. “I get excited and ramble a lot.”

“Why’re you apologizin’? I like listenin’ to you talk. You’re pretty cute when y’git all excited, so don’t be sorry ‘bout it.”

Lance looked back up, only to meet Keith’s gaze directly. Whoever said the eyes were the window to the soul was absolutely correct, because Lance could see how honest Keith was being just by glancing into his eyes. He felt his face flush hotter than before, mostly because, well, Keith was complimenting him on his never-ending one-sided conversation. It felt nice that Keith didn’t mind his talking. Sometimes Pidge would make an off-hand comment about how much he just talked and got off track with the conversation topic, and that made Lance conscious of it.

Don’t get him wrong—Lance loved Pidge, _he really did_ , but he also took a lot of things that she said to heart. God forbid he ever became a burden or an annoyance. _God forbid_.

A hand was resting atop his when he broke free of his trance-like state. It was Keith’s hand, of course, and it was warm. Callused as they were, Lance wanted to hold them—hold them while they walked, hold them while they embraced, kissed, while they made—

“Lance? You okay?” Afraid that his voice might crack if he spoke, Lance simply nodded. “Are you sure I didn’t break you?” He nodded again. “Well, I’m gonna use the restroom. So I’ll be right back, okay?” His hand—the one that he totally wasn’t daydreaming about—pulled away from Lance’s as he moved to get up from the booth.

“Yeah,” Lance said once he had recollected himself, pulling his hand close to his chest. “Don’t die in there.”

Keith let out a laugh as he stood, “Yeah, I’ll try not to, _thanks_.”

“You’re welcome.” Queue the chuckle from Keith, and Lance smiled out of nervousness.

As soon as Keith was walking to the restroom, Lance busted out his phone, quickly turning to his group chat between he, Hunk, and Pidge. The chat was named _chocolate water_ (don’t ask why because Lance wasn’t too sure himself).

 **To: chocolate water**  
_GUYS HE HAS AN ACCENT  
_ _IM EIAHOGTIUSHDJRUITHURSH_

 **From: chocolate water**  
**Pidgeotto**  
_o h_  
_weary emoji  
_ _inb4 lance gonna get laid tonight ;)_

 **From: chocolate water**  
**Hun k**  
_Didn’t need to picture that Pidge_

 **From: chocolate water**  
**Pidgeotto**  
_hey im just sayin_

 **To: chocolate water**  
_HE SAYD HOWDY AHGITKEJHIKRTSJH_  
_HES SO FUVKING CUTE YOU GUYS DONY EBEN KNOW  
_ _HE LIKES HEARING ME TALK_

 **From: chocolate water**  
**Hun k**  
_Aaawww_  

 **From: chocolate water**  
**Pidgeotto**  
_howdy folks y’all ready tah do sum square dancin_

 **From: chocolate water**  
**Hun k**  
_Lmao Pidge_

 **To: chocolate water**  
_LISTEN OK  
_ _He’s so wholesome it makes me wanna cRY,,,,_

 **From: chocolate water**  
**Pidgeoto**  
_well then why are you messaging here instead of like_  
_idk  
_ _talking to him ????_

 **From: chocolate water**  
**Hun k**  
_Did you scare him off somehow?_

 **From: chocolate water**  
**Pidgeotto**  
_OOF_

 **To: chocolate water**  
_No  
_ _You guys are honestly the bEST supportive friend group -_-_

 **From: chocolate water**  
**Pidgeotto**  
_we are aware_

By the time Pidge had replied, Lance spotted Keith walking back, so he quickly sent a goodbye and pocketed his phone, set to _do-not-disturb_ so their responses didn’t distract him from the time he had with Keith, with his _date_. Lance, even as he sat in the booth with Keith directly across from him, occasionally bumping feet underneath the table, still had a difficult time wrapping his mind around the fact that he was on a _date_ with someone he thought to be so handsome and beautiful—inside (as far as he could tell) and out.

“Welcome back,” Lance said after taking a sip of his coke to lubricate his dry throat. Dry from nervousness, it seemed to be.

“Why thank you, Lance.” And Mother Mary (he might’ve made the sign of the cross, too, if given the chance), if Lance didn’t feel like swooning when Keith said his name in his rural Texan accent. “So, we were talkin' 'bout your sister, right? Veronica, I think.”

 _HOT DAMN,_ Lance inwardly shouted, all the while looking completely sane. _HE EVEN REMEMBERS WHAT I TALKED ABOUT._

He had really scored with Keith, hadn’t he? Lance made a mental note to email whoever made FarmersOnly.com and _thank_ them for leading him to find someone who actually _listened_ to him when he talked on and on.

“Yeah, Ronnie…” Lance trailed off, far too distracted by the fact that he had been _listened to_ rather than _heard_. He was being _watched_ instead of _seen_. And it felt really nice. “I like you a lot, Keith,” Lance admitted, truthful and upfront. “I really do.”

Keith’s contagious smile appeared again. “Well, I like you too, so we’re on the same page there, at least.”

* * *

 

The food was amazing, and that all made sense when Lance saw the bill. Keith didn't seem fazed one bit, as if he ate expensive food every day, and this was _nothing_. Being the absolutely sweetheart he was, Keith refused to let Lance pay, and he was going to fight it—really, he was—but remembering that he was currently out of a job and only had about a hundred bucks to his name meant he could only cover half, and that was if he didn't want to spend a large majority of said money. "At least let me cover the tip," Lance argued, but Keith shook his head, told the waitress to keep the change so Lance didn't even have a chance to get out his wallet.

"I'm going to pay next time," Lance stated firmly. He wasn't even embarrassed to admit wanting to go on a second date after this, despite this first one not even being complete yet.

"Next time," Keith seemed to agree, but then he had more to say. "we can split the bill."

"No, I'm going to pay for  _everything_  next time, and you can't stop me. I'll pay for all the next times."

"How is that fair?" he asked slowly, and Lance was too flustered to think of a comeback.

"It just is, okay?" Lance got up from his seat, and a laughing Keith followed. At least he was able to hold the door for him. "I can pay for the museum—" he began but was interrupted by Keith.

"I already did."

Lance wanted to be mad, but Keith's grin erased any ill feeling he might have had toward not being able to pay. While they walked, their hands kept brushing against each other, and Lance decided to just grab hold of it. "Next time, I'm going to pay," he stated firmly.

Keith stared at him for a moment before he spoke, glancing at their hands but saying nothing in protest. "Okay."

"Why did that sound like a sarcastic 'okay'?"

Keith’s hand tightened in his hold. "You're overthinkin' it, Lance."

* * *

 

LACMA wasn't too busy, thankfully, but maybe that was because not too many people cared about genuine traditional arts. People were too focused on modern art—the kind that had barely a dot on a canvas and received praise for its originality and depth. Lance didn't see what was so enthralling about a dot, let alone why people hung it in museums. Maybe he was just biased about modern art because his sister was an artist, and he'd witnessed the countless hours she spent on one single drawing; then other people splat paint on paper and suddenly it became something meaningful.

Yeah, maybe he was biased. Just a little.

Fortunately, LACMA wasn't a modern art museum, else his date with Keith might have been spoiled by his disdain for modernist artwork. Instead, Lance was more than happy to be there. And Keith could sense that, too.

"You seem excited," Keith said in a low voice, quiet enough for just Lance to hear.

"How can I _not_ be?" he countered, smiling wider than before, turning his head to face Keith. "I'm at a beautiful place, walking hand-in-hand with a beautiful person."

"You think I'm beautiful?" Keith asked, sounding more curious than anything.

Lance didn't miss a beat. "Of course."

Keith slowly stopped walking, and Lance wondered if he had said something wrong. Maybe Keith couldn't handle the constant compliments he dished out. Maybe he should tone it down—

His thoughts were cut short when Keith pulled Lance closer by his hand, bringing them face to face, body to body. Keith's free hand found Lance's, and they intertwined fingers of both hands as Lance's face burned hot. "If I'm beautiful, then you're absolutely _stunnin'_."

His accent shone through his flirty tone, and Lance wondered for the 20th time that night how he had managed to get Keith on a date.

"I really wanna kiss you right now," Lance muttered, and Keith, albeit appearing shocked for a moment (Lance couldn't blame him, he too would be shocked if someone said that about him to his face), didn't seem to be too bothered that Lance was so open about how he felt. And currently, he felt like kissing the Texan man in front of him.

"Then, what are you waitin' for?"

Lance didn't want to seem braggy, but he was a good kisser. He'd kissed many girls and boys in his past, so kissing Keith certainly wouldn't be trouble. Of course not...

It proved to be more nerve-wracking than Lance had planned. After all, he didn't want to mess this up since the first kiss was what ultimately gauged their chemistry together. He leaned forward, glad that he didn't have to stand on his tip-toes to actually kiss Keith despite their small height difference. The last thing he needed was to do some kind of balancing act while trying to kiss Keith.

They met halfway. Their lips touched, softly at first, then with light pressure. His lips remained slightly parted, and he felt Keith's hand move to the small of his back. Lance moved on his own as well, releasing his hold on Keith's hand to wrap his arms around his neck. They kissed for maybe five seconds, if Lance had to time it, and it felt better than any kiss he'd ever shared with someone.

His eyes opened, half-lidded, and he met Keith's eyes. From this distance, Lance could tell with ease their color: dark, almost purple. It took less than half a second for Lance to decide he loved how Keith's eyes watched him. They remained like that for a while, just gazing into each other's eyes, until Keith's eyes shifted to look at something behind Lance.

Though he only glanced for a moment, Lance couldn't help but turn his head to see just what had caught Keith's attention. "Sorry," came Keith's unwarranted apology as Lance tried to find what it was Keith had been looking at, "I ruined the moment, didn't I?"

"Nah," Lance said, turning his head back to Keith. The only thing behind them had been the many lampposts, which were shining brilliantly amongst the darkening evening. The lampposts were an art installation, and Rachel would probably kill him for forgetting the name of said installation, but in his defense, he hadn't been to the museum since junior high. "I was just wondering what you were looking at."

Keith hummed, brought his hand up to cup Lance's face, brushed a few stray strands out of his eyes with his padded thumb. "I was just thinkin' that you'd look real pretty"— _purty_ , it sounded more like—"in the light of them there lamps." He nodded his head toward the lampposts Lance had just been looking at. 

Lance turned his head again, to see if he understood what Keith meant. "What, are you a photographer or something?" he joked, looking back to see Keith was actually serious. "I thought you owned a nursery," he commented, curious.

"I do." Keith's hand fell from his face and joined the one on his back. "But I like to take pictures better than caring for plants."

"Well, I just-so-happen to like having pictures taken of me. I'm an absolute natural—it's like I was _born_ photogenic, Keith. No joke."

"You're very humble."

Lance laughed, pulling away from Keith (very reluctantly, he might add) to, instead, grab his hand again and drag him toward the lampposts. "Shut up," he teased. "C'mon, _Keith Kogane._  We're gonna make some memories right here, right now."

From behind him, Lance could hear Keith's laugh as he followed him. And Lance smiled wide knowing he was the one causing it. Keith's grip on his hand tightened. Lance could hear the smile in his voice. "Okay, _Lance McClain_. If you say so."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, kudos and comments are appreciated!! give me your ideas and your uwus, and thank you for sticking around :)
> 
> UPDATE: part 2, you don't have to be lonely, has been posted! it's listed as the second part of the series farmers only dot com! see you there :D

**Author's Note:**

> thoughts? uwu  
> comments are cherished and so are kudos


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